Browse Professor Quotes
you only get married twice, so get the first one out of the way as fast as possible.
—Tom DeRosa, giving us success tips
It's like history, except it's completly different.
—Dr. Schlosser, on geography
Sorry, I don't double team
—Discussing Lady Gaga
By telling me how and why I suck, hopefully next time I teach this course I will suck less.
—Skufka, about evaluations
The milk became a delicious hard substance
—Professor Zanta
"Why the Chinese Hamster Ovary cells?" (aka CHO)
—Carolyn Zanta, while talking about Genetic Engineering
Toot, toot. All aborad the quiet train.
—Professor Barlow while trying quiet his Differential Equations.
The man who invented the first dictionary survived "splicing" seven times!
—Prof. Casper, talking about surving crude medical practices without anesthesia
Stephen King, before being a famous horror story writer, was a hospital sheet cleaner! His books make so much more sense now!
—Prof. Casper, on Stephen King
If you were the son of a prostitute, you had three choices:
Join the circus.
Join the Navy.
or join them.
No other future!
—Prof. Casper, being his usual quirky self
...or you could be mean like Cartman, and give Kyle AIDS!
—Prof. Casper, talking about the double meaning of innoculation
God intended us to have beer!
—Prof. Casper, talking about Louis Pastuer
"You could come to class and kill everyone! (pauses for a while and students laugh)
but don't!
I could come to class naked and teach! (pauses for a while and students laugh harder)
I promise I won't."
—Prof. Stephen Casper, talking about social extremidies and the death of a famous anthropology figure
When we invest $100 million in a chemical plant, we don't want it to blow up!
—Professor McCluskey, putting things into perspective
They had you bend over and take a snort of benzene!
—Professor McCluskey, explaining quite a bit, really.
You gotta show me how to write an R!
—Professor Subramanian, having trouble with lower-case Rs in CH301.
The bear mate in the forest, but no one knows that it happens... because they arent around to smell it.
—Dan Dullea, COMM310, Talking about journalism...?
The limit is completely indifferent, it says, "I don't care one bit!"
—Felland, MA321 Advanced Calculus
Everyone has a sticky portal!
—Dan Dullea, Talking about the Internet
I have no idea what it means, I was hoping you did.
—Professor Kelly, after saying something in Latin and asking the class what it meant
Remind me not to kick any puppies when you're around.
—Dr. Schlosser, after a student said that he would feel bad if someone kicked a puppy, even though he plays violent video games
I don't even know your names at this point, so I couldn't be biased even if I wanted to.
—Dr. Schlosser, explaining about how he graded essays
...this topic will be really useful if you are being pulled over for speeding...
—Dr. Wick, PH131 talking about relative motion
Guys, unfortunately an object cannon be infinitely rigid.
—Daniel ben-Avraham
I think they gave me the wrong chalk
—Sara A. Morrison
"...So that was a piece of cake."
—Nate Barlow after solving a differential equation involving the cooling rate of a cake pulled from an oven
...so the librarian brings me this, *holds up weathered and torn up book* which is from 1873, and its actually got some interesting stuff in here lets see... Chapter 1: How to raise undead, Chapter 4: How to open a portal to Hades, apparently that involves u-substitution, ah here we go chapter 6: Partial Fractions.
—Nate Barlow, MA232 describing how he found a book on Partial Fractions
Referring to Happy Gilmore and how gas prices should be raised....."The Price is Wrong, Bitch!!!"
—Heintzelman
"You all look like you are fried."
—Katie Fowler' upon looking at our class on Monday afternoon before Spring break.
If I flip a coin 10 times and I get head 10 times how random is that
—Joachim Stahl, Game Design
"...So, they found out that the wolf actually doesn't eat the deer! What is the moral of the story?"
class: "Uhhh... I have no idea, it's your story.."
Sanyal: "Well I don't know, you're supposed to tell me"
—Proff. Sanyal, after telling his MA132 class about how in the old days hunters would trap deer in a hole in the ground
.... Sorry I lost my train of thought, someone just said 'aw fuck' in the back row.
—Dr. Wick reviewing for the relatively difficult first exam PH132
It's like a bunch of drunk people walking through the forest.
—Dr.Wick, explaining electon flow in a solid conductor PH132
I could argue that a $100,000 in condums is a stimuls package
—Dr. Rodgers talking about the new "economic" stimulus package
Now you can just snort coke and let a computer do it for you.
—Prof. Lange while talking about our generation's technological savvy
Just another thing to put in your pipe to smoke.
—Professor Fairbanks ranting in class
My system of capitalization is random at best
—Professor Jim Peploski, CM131
I'm warning you that I am absent minded
—Prof McCluskey, ES405, on first day of class
It's its only fan... kind of like me and Guitar Hero. I'm my only fan and my wife's my groupie. Apparently, I still rock.
—Professor Straight, MA232. Talking about lines on a graph.
I know some people will look at me weird, but I love Visual Basic
—Dubrovsky -IS 437
I always wear a coat over my underwear
—Professor Kain- TC210
I feel that question was easy. I mean, this isn't rocket scientry!
—Professor Macintosh explaining an exam question in EE 361
Some of you should say yes, some of you should say no
—Prof. Wick trying to get a class response
It's what I'm doing my research on, so it's obviously an important subject.
—Professor Shipp, Organic Chemistry, about radical polymerization.
Oh God, It's a wednesday... I hate you all!
—Professor Fairbanks; Great Ideas/Western Culture 1
I didnt answer your question did I?
—Professor Fairbanks, GFI 2, after spending 5 minutes trying to answer a students question
—Prof. Mullun FN361 watching a giant bat flying around a room in the science center.
—Professor Stillwell, social psych, something having to do with how the day was going I believe....
Who's a psych major?
(all but three hands in the lecture hall go up)
Oh Shit!
—Professor Stillwell, Social Psychology, trying to get a feel for her class
Now if you hear a snap then a pop then a mouse chewed the electrical cords and blew up. If that happens we're done for the day.
—Ormsbee, OS286 in response to the lights flickering
Imagine I am gliding around and I havent been out drinking yet...
—Prof. Wick referring to circular motion
...we're going to do it quick and dirty...Let's all get sweaty!
—Professor Staiger : LS196, diverging from her plan to assign a structured, long-term research project
“Now, I know you’re not hungover, because it was Parents' Weekend...
—Professor Wick, PH 131, followed by a just audible "not necessarily," issued forth from several students.
WickSo what was the second quetion like?
StudentAramark
WickAramark?
StudentYa, it all sucked!
—Wick, asking his PH132 class about a tough exam question
Oops, guess I must have used my invisible chalk on that one.
—Prof. Schultz, MA132: refering to a missing variable he forgot to put on the board
Kane: You can't just add up columns of numbers like this...unless you're the Rainman
Me: Wow, I can't believe he didn't do a Rainman Impression, definitely, definitely amazed
Kane: We Definitely, definitely need to interegrate. Yea, definitely
—Prof. Kane becomming more and more predictable
Remember, it's not the size that matters
—Professor Menz, Microeconomics, talking about firms and monopoies
Woah, series. I almost looked at that!
—Calc tutor quickly covering his eyes after looking at the dreaded series.
Professor Robinson draws a picture of a pipe along with a caption in french stating this is not a pipe. He then asks the class what it really is.
Sam: A noodle
Professor Robinson: No...ok, we're gonna hold Sam's noodle for a while...
—Great Ideas, Professor Robinson
Here's where you can get my notes on the Internet...by the way, these are MY notes
—Professor Aguirre, BY153...SA-LAM!!!!
So that means you can sustain your heart on half an oreo cookie a day!
—~Prof. Wick relating the work your heart does in a day to calories.
I'm surprised how well you're containing your excitement
—Dr. Shullman, Physics 131. While explaining the pully system.
If you've gotta use the head, use the head.
—Professor Mullen, corporate finance, on bathroom etiqutte in his class.
Who can say 'I'm excited!?' ...silence... Wake up folks!
—Professor Bollt addressing his sleeping 9am Calc I class, while trying to explain higher derivatives
I can get head on the next flip
—Explaining probability of a coin toss in Statistics...
In order to find out what y is you need to know what y is.
—Professor Felland - Talking about implicit differentiation
You don't get on your knees when you are in a position of power.
—Professor Lange - Great Ideas
well we are not just doing this for shits and giggles!
—Angie Macniack~ Cell and Molecular Bio Lab
So, when you do this, you're not changing p, you're only changing p.
—Prof. Searleman, CS241 Computer Organization
i'm not hungover, i'm just very very thirsty.
—a notorious chem TA after a rough sunday
Your gonna suck really hard
—Prof. Staiger, LS196
You gotta teach kids young that it sucks from the beginning
—Larry Eno, CH372 Quantum Mechanics
We talk about efficiency, we say that you can't get back more than we put in. Except, if you love your mate once, she loves you a thousand times back
—Nobi Ackermann, CE430 Water Resources II, discussing pump efficiencies
—Professor Kelly, PY310 Human Sexuality
Student: How'd you get the seven halves?
Svoboda: I took the value seven and divided by two.
—Professor Svoboda, answering a question in EE221
That's why it's a really bad idea to start a land war in Russia: It's really fucking big and it gets really fucking cold.
—Prof Ball, talking about countries like France and Germany who've tried and failed to invade Russia during winter.
And that's the last time I saw an 8 inch floppy
—Professor Dennis Horn, COMM444, in reference to the last time he saw a really old floppy disk
I think I'll have sex again.
—Prof. Chris Lynch while referring to a program involving sex changes.
—Professor Duemer, in response to class complaints about a test and a question that it's answer the students believed was not given to them enough in the movie they had watched recently
—Professor Gasper, Macro Economics. this took place in 53 minutes.
I am strong relative to something, but compared to the rest of humanity, I am weak.
—Larry Eno, CH372
I read my evaluations with a cold beer.
—Professor Fowler, MA132. Discussing how students don't like to write in math
On Professors drawing of North America:
Student- Is that Texas or Mexico?
Prof- Exactly. Then continues to explain whatever he was talking about.
—Mahapatra, OM471
Teacher: Do you consider yourself a relgious person?
Student: I like to think I am.
Teacher: Then prayer would be good.
—Professor Robert Carlson, PY151, on Blackboard chatroom in regards to last minute study tips
This is your first exposure to the concept of cucumbers and pickles.
—Prof. Wears, LW270
NULL is the center of the universe for your computer. If you try to delete the center of the universe, everything explodes, it's the end of the world.
—Alexis Maciel, CS142
I was almost gonna make a comment about GFI... I've got B and S over there.
—Professor Powers, Applied Statistics: Referring to an equation he had just written on the board.
Well, that doesn't surprise me! Can he even form words?
—Ellen Caldwell, talking about a Kevin Costner movie not being very good
Now for those of you who are still awake, what is....
—Somendra Pant... my friend
No one really wants to get a colonoscopy. There are so many other things to do in life.
—Dr. Woodworth, when talking about colon cancer
Blue Collar Comedy is educational -- they tell you how to live your life.
—Dr. Woodworth talking about the major causes of cancer
Victoria Secret is my favorite magazine!!
—Profeesor Robinson, Pol 220
I slept with three hookers
—Wears talks about how to spend a weekend in LAWII
Ugly is not a protected class.
—Prof. Wears, LW270: in answer to a students question about why Hooters can only hire "certain" girls
Alike charges attract and unlike charges repel.
—Professor Wick, PH132: Reminder of the behavior of point charges
You ever had a guy at work who always told dirty jokes? I used to tell my mother dirty jokes all the time.
—Professor Ormsbee - OS286 - Discussing negative reinforcement
For example, take these high school teachers having sex with these 17-year-old boys...those boys ain't complaining!
—Professor Wears, LW270 - Law and Society I, in reference to the fact the just because no one complains about the legality of 50-50 Raffles doesn't make them legal.
Svoboda: What's seems to be the problem here?
Student: I don't know.
Svoboda: Don't know? Or don't care?
Student: Oh I care!!
—Professor Svoboda Electrical Science
asking a student if he needed help during an in class problem.
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